Dragonball Z: Live Action
by catmittens
Summary: Written on the spur of the moment. Basically, FOX, the utter morons who are making the live action DBZ movie, come under new management, courtesy of DBZ characters. Funfun. All 3 17's...yum. Rating for potty mouth. Do the Poll. I command ye.
1. New Management

Hi there, Zithy here. This is just me venting a little bit about the new DBZ movie. I don't like the idea, I know they're going to make it horrible, that's just the way Americans make anime. Terrible.  
  
Disclaimer - Ok, don't own DBZ, don't own CB (had to put this in here just cuz of a light reference), don't own FFVII and I'm sure as hell not aiming to get sued by FOX for defamation or libel or slander. Just, honestly dudes. You don't fire the original creator. Or make an elf bald with three eyes.  
  
____  
  
Once upon a time, there was an evil company, verging on evilness Shinra would have been proud of but Shinra ain't in this story so that tangent must be eliminated...whatever. At any rate, there was a very evil company called FOX. And it was evil because it was run by money-hungry CEOs with no real clue as to what the hell they were doing.  
  
One day, one of the CEO's happened upon an evil idea. A very eeeevil idea. So evil, in fact, it caused the next evilest thing to gasp in horror.  
  
They planned to make *gag* a live-action DBZ movie.  
  
Well, that was the plan, anyway...  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Seated in their lofty perches of high-quality Italian leather exec swivel chairs, the evil CEOs cackled over their latest plot to utterly demolish to the last enth any bit of coolness Funimation hadn't dredged out of a certain show called Dragonball Z, if that was even possible.  
  
The President was looking over the last few reports. "This is perfect! PG- 13, 3-4 hours, and we've got Orlando Bloom."  
  
The yes-men CEOs nodded happily, pleased with their ass-kissing work. Of course they had cast Orlando Bloom as Tien, the bald one. I mean, he had to get sick of all that long elf-hair sometime, didn't he?  
  
"We'll make movies out of those saga things my kid was talking about," said one of the CEOs, his head bobbing up and down. "Even the Cinderella part."  
  
(obviously he was talking about the Bibi-dee, Babi-dee, Buu arc...-_-)  
  
"Don't you think that'd be a little too romantic for an action film?" said one of the even-more oblivious CEOs.  
  
"Sir..." said one of the more intelligent ones from farther down the table, "That's the Buu arc...there's barely any romance..."  
  
"What about those two - Vegetable and Barmy?" one of them asked, leaning forward and looking far to serious for his mental state. "We could play it up in that scene where that guy kills himself off."  
  
When all of a sudden, there came like a flash, sixty four bullets, and a grenade launch attack. Or something with that kind of power.  
  
"What the hell was that?" cried out one of the CEOs. They were all conveniently hiding underneath the big mahogany desk. Mostly it was the president's chair that was destroyed. Along with the president...  
  
"Did you have to shoot that much? It smells like gunpowder now!" said a mysterious voice.  
  
"Well /she/ told me to decimate it," shot back the same voice. O.o  
  
The terrified CEOs wondered where the hell security was, and more importantly, did this mean a promotion since the president was gone? I mean, a few red smudges and a now non-existent chair said volumes...  
  
"You two quit arguing!" snapped a third voice. And suddenly all three voices and one extra strode into the room.  
  
Three of them looked precisely alike, except one of them was wearing a jacket, and the last one was shorter, and was a girl. "Hi there," she said brightly, waving to the stunned execs, when suddenly her face went quite happily malicious, "As of now, my power, is the only power."  
  
"You ripped that off," said the triplet who looked the most irritable.  
  
"Shut up, Mirai," snapped the girl. "It was a cool scene. Of course I had to rip it off!"  
  
"Mirai?" said the intelligent one who had actually correctly identified the Buu arc moments earlier. "Doesn't that mean something?"  
  
"It means leave me alone or I'll kill you," said the irritable triplet.  
  
"What the hell are you three doing dressed like - like - " said one of the CEOs, obviously recognizing the costume but not the person.  
  
"Jinzouningen Juunanagou, Android Seventeen," came the sarcastic supplication. "Yeah, they're dressed like 17 because they are 17. S. That's Mirai 17," and pointed to the one who looked quite annoyed, "that's just regular 17," she pointed at the one with the coat, he looked a bit affronted that she referred to him as 'just regular 17,' "and that's Hellfighter 17. He doesn't talk much." The girl suddenly looked absolutely enchanted with the idea of three 17's within two feet of her. Instantly she latched on to the nearest one, a big grin on her face. "I've never been so happy in my life..." Mirai utterly glowered, and tried to hold his arm out as far as he could. There was no stopping her when she got started. And Trunks was in much too close proximity to kill her without getting caught.  
  
Thereafter were a few moments of uncomfortable silence. Realizing her strange mistake, as she was currently pulling a coup d'etat to gain the presidency over FOX, and at that same time glomping, she released the arm. Mirai moved several feet away.  
  
She cleared her throat. "My name's Bridget, and guess what?"  
  
They all looked quite blank-faced.  
  
"I'm your new boss!" ^_^  
  
"The hell you are!" said a /fifth/ voice. Man, what is it with all these voices?  
  
All four turned, and a rather diminutive man with a monolithic widow's peak and muscles that would shame Arnold, walked into the room. "I'm the Saiyan no Ouji! I should be president!"  
  
Underneath them, there was a loud rumbling and a nice shuddering. "Okay, what the fuck's goin' on down there?"  
  
"..."  
  
Bridget and the various 17's decided not to ask again.  
  
There was a few moments of silence.  
  
"And I /will/ be president," said Bridget.  
  
"No, /I/ will be, damn it!" said Vegeta.  
  
"Watch your language! We can't have bad language in a PG-13 movie!" screeched one of the CEOs.  
  
"Fuck that, we're goin' to R," Bridget snapped pointedly. "And /you're fired/."  
  
"/What/? You can't fire me! You don't work here! You probably don't even have a job you juvenile delinquent!!"  
  
Bridget's eye twitched. She pushed her glasses up on her nose and raked her hair back. "You know what? I was actually considering not knocking all you idiots off, but now that you said that, I am seriously reconsidering."  
  
O.o  
  
"You wouldn't!!" shrieked one of the more skitzo CEOs.  
  
"Damn right I would!" said Bridget. ^_^ "I'm also a bit teed off that you fired Mr. Toriyama - what, you think you can do DBZ better than the /creator/?"  
  
Bridget's evil glare made it impossible for the poor CEOs to reply.  
  
Bridget walked around the table, grinning quite sadistically. "Nice chairs. Too bad, though..."  
  
"Too bad what?" asked the intelligent CEO, who had, with very few of his colleagues, opted for huddling against the wall instead of huddling under the table. Strange move, but whatever.  
  
"Too bad none of you's ever gonna sit in one again," Bridget grinned. "Because you're all going to write the script!!"  
  
Bridget snapped her fingers and a few ugly green bug-things trotted into the room. Saibamen. They were carrying two boxes of stuff, with Japanese kanji on them. They put them on the shiny table.  
  
"These are the original mangas, translated," she slammed a hand down on the white box, and turned to the other. "/This/, is your screenplay writing books. You will write the screenplay in concurrence with the activities in the manga."  
  
There were several shocked expressions. "You guys are making four movies, right? One for each of the sagas. Saiyan Saga, Frieza Saga (and god forbid we are NOT going to have a five-hour fight...), the Android and Cell Sagas together, and the Buu saga? Well, what better way to make it good than to make it like it was originally if the original was great?"  
  
"We've already decided to direct this towards a family audience! It has to be tame enough to let little kids see it and not--"  
  
"If you're going to give me that bullshit litany I'm always hearing on TV, just shut up before I chunk you out the window," Bridget said. "I'll have you know that DBZ has fans with driver's licenses. They won't come see some drugged up kiddie show with 'darn!' and 'groovy!' which I'm sure you morons will work in somewhere."  
  
Bridget turned around, and looked into the small crater which used to be the president's chair. "Juu, you really did a number on this..."  
  
Mirai shrugged. "Oh well."  
  
Bridget mimicked his action, and crossed her arms. "I guess I should count myself lucky you didn't just blast a huge hole in the side of the building, ne?"  
  
(For the record, Juunanagou is regular-timeline 17. Mirai is...Mirai 17. Hellfighter...duh. Juuhachi will be regular-timeline 18, the one married to the one and only human bowling ball head, Krillen. 18 will be Mirai 18. Just to clear up any possible further problems. ^_^;;; I mean, with 3 Juu's and 2 18's running around, it'd get a bit confuzzling!!)  
  
Without a chair to sit on, Bridget sat on the table. Just then, her eye caught sight of a sight that was utterly blinding. The title of the movie. Dragonball Z: Fight For Mankind. Nani?! It was horrific!! Even worse than that Banderos Vs. Somebody Or Other title. The spy movie. The one with the really gay title. Did Americans just unanimously suck at titles and dubbing? Or didn't any a one of these film-industry blood suckers have the decency to stick with the original stuff?  
  
Regardless, Bridget had a job to do. She dropped the slip of paper, made a small note to let Mirai have a little fun, and sat up. "Ok, let's see who you've got. Leonardo de Faggio as Trunks?!?! Hell no!" she said as she read the screen list. "That baby-faced pussy couldn't swing a sword if his balls depended on it. Cut."  
  
"So who do you intend on having as Trunks?" asked one of the braver CEOs.  
  
"Dunno, we'll have to..."  
  
She thought a little bit.  
  
"See, the thing is, de Caprio's not that hot. I have no clue why half the female population is his mind slave...therefore, we will poll...we will poll...the public!"  
  
There was a very suspicious reaction from the CEOs. They were used to picking the current ferret faced cutie. "And we're only going to ask fans of the show," she continued.  
  
"But--"  
  
"Because only we should have control over that."  
  
"/But/--" the CEO was calculating the loss of dividends that would have never happened anyway.  
  
"Can it, baka," Bridget said, ripping up some letters having to do with Leo's paycheck.  
  
She picked up instead another sheet of paper, and frowned. "Why not the guy who played Aragorn as Vegeta? He's hot enough, and if they could pull off the Hobbit effect in Lord of the Rings..."  
  
There was an angry, derisive snort from a certain Saiyan Prince. "I'm warning you, Bryant.."  
  
She started scribbling down some names. ""And I forbid all Leo votes for Trunks"..." she murmured as she wrote. She grinned. "But Johnny Depp is playing 17, come hell or high water."  
  
A few eyebrows went up. "Who the hell is Johnny Depp?" asked Hellfighter, understandably suspicious. Minor characters and evil characters routinely got screwed over by the American film industry.  
  
Bridget's eyes got all glimmery.  
  
"Never mind," Hellfighter muttered suddenly.  
  
"You!" she snapped at the intelligent CEO. "I want this up in a poll on a DBZ website, no others, and I'll come and check it to make sure it's good in a bit."  
  
The CEO took the paper Bridget had written on cautiously albeit curiously, and got a little wide eyed. He nodded without a word and got the hell out of there.  
  
"...Now, what do we do with them?" Bridget asked lightly, waving a hand at the CEOs.  
  
And this is how FOX came under new management...  
  
____  
  
Fin f/ ch1  
  
Holy freaking SNAPPLE. I have no idea how the hell I wrote this, it's stupid, it's bad, it's MUY TERRIBLE but who the hell cares?! I was on an angry stint for FOX and their mucking up ways!!!  
  
R&R is appreciated. And if you want this to continue, please don't forget to LEAVE A VOTE ON THE ^ POLL mentioned above, OR SIMPLY EMAIL IT TO ME. ^_^ Not that I think anybody will want this to continue anyway. -_- 


	2. Polling the Public

Right, then. Since it'll be hard to get opinions otherwise.I'm just going to put a nice poll up for you guys! Aren't I a sweet (I mean that in the 'nice' sense) author? I really do want your opinions! (much unlike certain other organizations I could name.)  
  
Unfortunately, there are a few rules. As much as I love it, anarchy is not an option right now. Sorry.  
  
Pay attention. ^_^  
  
1. Johnny Depp is reserved for my main squeeze, the one and only Juunanagou. You should already know this, having read the first chapter, but this is just a reminder. ^_^  
  
2. The abomination known as 'Leonardo de Caprio' shall NOT be voted in as Trunks. He is unworthy. Hence if you vote for Leo, I will sit back and laugh and call you a mind-slave.  
  
3. ANSWERS SHOULD BE RECEIVED VIA ****E-MAIL!!!!!****( lookit pretty important thing!!  
**I will accept them under reviews, although I will be a teensy bit annoyed. I want it to be a surprise for you guys! ^_^  
  
Now! The contestants! If you name an actor, please give me a few sites or some movies where I can view his/her visage. Especially if he/she's not very well known.  
  
Pick your Man (or Woman!)  
  
Goku  
  
Vegeta (I'm pulling for the guy who played Aragorn, but it's still up for grabs.)  
  
Chi Chi  
  
Bulma  
  
Trunks (I FORBID LEO!!!)  
  
Piccolo  
  
Tien  
  
Chaotzu (is there anyone as small?!)  
  
Krillen  
  
Android 18  
  
Nappa  
  
Raditz  
  
*(various Ginyu force members)*  
  
Frieza (or should I just have this bastard bi animated as a digital thing?)  
  
King Vegeta  
  
Dodoria  
  
Zarbon (now, de Faggio would be a good candidate for this guy.)  
  
Roshi  
  
Mr. Briefs  
  
Mrs. Briefs  
  
Ox King  
  
Gohan  
  
*and anyone else I forgot.  
  
There you have it! The poll.answer quickly, my preciouses.. 


End file.
